Jokes Time!

The Biggest Lie:

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said,
"give him the dog."


Just for Joke:

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.

In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Candidate: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ….
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
candidate: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…


School Jokes:

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!


Change Of Underwear:

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops started cheering at the news.

"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."


2 Brothers:

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."


Parking Spot:

John was driving down the street with tense because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

John looked up again and said,
"Never mind. I found one."


Tech Support:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."


Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."


Office Jokes:

On Office:

Manager: Why you have took leave yesterday.

Staff: For a change, i sleep on my house sir.


On office 2:

Manager : Why you have late today?

Staff : Sir, when i come by bus i just sleep well.

Manager : why you have this much urgent before coming office.


On office 3:

Manager : In my office, no one have responsibility.
Visitor: Why?
Manager: Everyone sleep well even door opened.


The Toy:

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to
ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."


Visiting kindergarten:

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.
There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read,
"The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't
you keep them when you took their pictures?"


Nasa And the Lawyer:

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and
couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for
going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2
million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the
other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep
$1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.


Recruit Jokes:

Good Night:

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from
inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago,
you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night,"
what I really mean is "Shut up!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from
somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"


Di and Recruit:

As a group of Marines stood in formation at a Marine Corps Base, the Drill Instructor said,
"All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one recruit
remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him,
and then raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?"

Now Two Riddles:

1. When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer?

2. What can you hold without ever touching or using your hands?

Answers:

1. When you add two hours to eleven o'clock, you get one o'clock.

2. Your Breath


THE HR E-MAIL!

e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader


e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,
Project Leader


Kidnappers:

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't
promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."

The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours."


A Story About Everybody:

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and
Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do
it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody
could have done.


More and Once More:

There were two friends More and Once More. More died. Who s left? I think i hear
all you said Once More.
There were two friends More and Once More. More died. Who s left?


Blood Test:

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !


Mulla Jokes:

This will take forever:

Mulla was travelling to London from Cairo in a four engine plane.
After few hours of flight the captain announced that one of the engines is not working
hence the arrival at London may get delayed by 15 minutes.
Mulla was reading a book and did not pay much attention to the announcement.

After few minutes captain announced again another engine have stopped working hence
delay will be around half an hour. Mulla kept on reading the book.
After some time the captain announced the third engine is also not working hence the
delay may increase to an hour or so.

This time Mulla called an air hostess and told her, ask the captain to keep watch over
the fourth engine, otherwise we may have to stay in the sky all night long!

Power Cut :

One day Mulla Naseeruddin and his friend was talking in his friend s home. All of sudden
the power cut occurred.
His friend told Mulla, Please take that Candle and the Matches which is in the right side
of you.
Mulla replied with anger, Idiot! This room is very darked, So, How can I find out that
which is Right or Left.


The Fear Of God:

There were two brothers who were always up to some mischief. If somebody had been
locked up in his house or if somebody s dog had been painted green, one always knew
who the culprits were — the brothers.

One day the boys mother asked a priest to talk to her sons and put the fear of God in
them so that they would mend their ways. The priest asked her to send her sons to him
one at a time.

When the younger boy, a lad of thirteen, came, he made him sit and asked him:
Where is God?
The boy did not answer.

The priest asked again, in a louder voice: Where is God?
The boy remained silent. But when the priest asked the same question a third time,
the boy jumped up and ran away.

He went straight to his brother.
We are in big trouble! he gasped.

What s wrong? asked the older boy, warily, wondering which of their sins had caught
up with them.

God is missing, said the youngster, and they think we have something to do with it!


Airport Delays:

During the final days at Denver s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was
canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an
angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied, I m sorry sir. I ll be happy to try to help you, but I ve got to help
these folks first, and Im sure we ll be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him
could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United
agent, gritted his teeth and swore (Expletive) you.

Without flinching, she smiled and said, I m sorry, sir, but you ll have to stand in line
for that, too.

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight
was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.


School Jokes:

Early one morning, a lady went into wake up her son.
Wake up, son. Its time to go to school!
But why Mom? I don t want to go.
Give me two reasons why you don t want to go.
Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!
Oh, that s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.
Give me two reasons why I should go to school.
Well, for one, you re 52 years old. And for another, you re the Principal!


Teacher - Where is Himalaya.
Kid - Madam! I don t know.
Teacher - Don t know? Stand on the desk.
Kid - Mam, I still cant see (After Stand on the desk).


Son: Mom, teacher was asking me today, if I have any brothers or sisters
who will be coming to school.

Mom: That s nice of her to take such an interest in you.So what did she say
when you told her that you re the only child, my dear?

Son: She just said… Thank goodness!

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
One Student: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time.

Q: WHAT IS THE NAME OF A CITY IN WHICH WE CANNOT ENTER?
A: ELECTRICITY


Easter Joke:

Easter get-together!

An elderly indian man in delhi calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough.

Pop, what are you talking about? the son screams.

We can t stand the sight of each other any longer, the old man says.

We re sick of each other, and I m sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up.

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. They re not getting divorced
if I have anything to do about it, she shouts, I ll take care of this.

She calls father immediately, and screams at the old man, You are NOT getting divorced.
Don t do a single thing until I get there. I m calling my brother back, and we ll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

Okay, he says, They re coming for Easter and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell
them for Christmas?


Funny Judge:

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light five hundred times.

One person ask to god: How much is thousand million$ for you.
God said: just like a penny.
Then he asked: How much is thousand years for you.
God said: just like a sec.
Man said can you lent me a penny.
Then the god said wait a sec.